It was over forty years ago that I first felt the existence of profound spiritual energy. How inexact these words “spiritual energy” are; symbols of the prison that language ensnares us in.
There was nothing subtle about this great force. It arrived like a whirlwind and I knew immediately that it was different from anything my consciousness had ever experienced. This was not emotion, not physical sensation, not the mental thoughts that obsessed me; indeed, it was the very foundation from which all thought and all emotion arose. It was as if the spaces between my thoughts, the stillness, had come to life as a vibrating, pulsating force. I soon realized that if I did whatever was in front of me to do, in the way that I believed was highest and best, I would feel a oneness with this energy that was coursing through me. On the other hand, if I became afraid, and let my mind take me, the energy would become blocked and I would become befuddled and lost, spiraling downward.
This energy refashions consciousness like a potter refashions clay. For many years, I lost touch with it, but it never left me. For many years I tried to live “normally”, but I failed. Than one day, around 20 years ago, while reading some accounts of near death experiences, something awakened deep within me. A familiarity, a knowing was rekindled. “I was not crazy”, I told myself. “The energy is real”. At that moment I threw a switch deep within myself and gave myself permission to experience the incredible power of this force once again. I asked the universe to help me feel dynamic and the force came roaring back like a pride of lions; lions of love, lions of fierce beauty and oneness.
I will never consciously abandon you again, my Beloved. You are the Unfolding of my soul. You are the Grace through which I remember and create myself. I bow to you. You lift me up. I would gladly bow to you for all eternity, but you whisper with a compassion beyond all knowing, “Don’t you have things to do, my son?” And your smile lights the Galaxy with a radiance beyond measure.