"As a child I thought if I could touch the sky I could touch the face of God. As a man I learned that all I had to do was touch my own heart"
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My Birthday Adventure

 

 

Well I pulled myself away from my exhaustive Internet research into deer ticks yesterday to go and celebrate my 65 blessed years on this planet. Not one to miss an opportunity, I decided to turn my attention to uncovering which restaurants still gave out birthday freebies. I found a wide variety of complimentary items ranging from a free hot fudge sundae at Chili’s to a “free lap dance at various strip clubs”. (No kidding).

 

I decided on Chili’s. (You know you are getting old when a hot fudge sundae excites you more than a lap dance). I really wanted to go to Papagalo’s in Swanzy NH but they were closed on Monday. Chili’s is half the price and I do like their over the top menu which drops all pretense at healthfulness. (Memo: this aint the Putney Coop).

 

It was a long ride and I was getting mentally confused.  When the waitress came over, I  somehow managed to catch myself just before I blurted out, “This is my 65th birthday. I read online that I can have a free hot fudge lap dance”.

 

Whew, That was close!

 

Dinner was good except I always finish about 45 minutes before Kathy and I have to find some way to amuse myself while watching her chew. After we ate we decided to go to Target so she could buy me some clothes for my birthday.

 

We drove into Target and what do you think immediately meets my eye, but the enormous bullseye above the store!  (It took me two hours to stop perseverating about deer ticks, and the first thing I see is that big red bullseye)! We walk into the men’s department and immediately Kathy announces to anyone within earshot, “None of these waist sizes go up high enough for you!”

I thanked her profusely and asked her if she could say it a little louder since there were some folks over in hardware who couldn’t quite hear her. Better yet, why not have it announced over the intercom: “All available Associates to men’sware, all available Associates to men’sware. There’s a guy who claims he can’t get his big gut into any of our plants.  Thank you.”

 

It became clear to me that Target only “targets” the emaciated. What is this size 32 horseshit? Do we have an obesity epidemic in this country or don’t we? Anyway, I found two pants way down at the bottom of a pile (why must my pants always be at the bottom of the pile) and I duitifully took them, along with some tee shirts,  into the dressing room. After I got over the trauma of looking at myself in the full length mirror, I had to resist the repeated urge to shout out (as an urban legend tells us some old guy once did), “HEY, THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE”!!

 

But I didn’t. I was good. Of course the pants that I found at the bottom of the pile would not button, despite the fact that I almost gave myself a coronary trying to fit into them. The tee shirts were fine. I was finally reduced to asking the cashier if she knew where there were any Big and Tall stores nearby. Of course, the cashier said she didn’t, but she yelled across the store to another woman, who also said she didn’t, but she yelled to another guy, who shouted “did you say Big and Tall…I think you have to go up to Burlington”. You get my drift.

 

I like Big and Tall. The guys there call me “slim”. I feel like I used to feel when I hung out at the All You Can Eat Abdows Buffet in CT. Or like I felt the one time I went to weight watchers and some very large ladies shot dirty looks at me me as if to say, “What the Hell are you doing here, Mr. Skinny pants”? 

 

Actually I think I will play it safe and shop online. Nobody shouts online.

 

(Well, they do, but they shout about politics, not waist sizes).